The most terrible moment in my life

Was the day I realized she might be gone

Can you imagine

The only super human you've ever believed in

Able to leap school buildings in a single bound

Tear down adult and child bullies with a stare

The first person to unconditionally prove to you that love is real

Might not be there

She, literally half of the fiber of my being

Champion concert supporting, sideline cheering, soccer mom-ing,

While working full-time, Goddess of Single Mom Land

Would be gone

Impossible.

Just as religious fanatics, hippies, and PETA members have their ultimate source of belief

I was invincible in the thought that she was invincible

My Immortal.

Neither vampires nor werewolves were a match for how long she would be here

Until that day.

The day the silver-laden stake pierced her

The day medical science and modern medicine

Mistakenly walked into the room with kryptonite failures masked by excuses

The day the light left her eyes and with it carried a piece of my soul

And then the last day

I had been wrong

Never more had I ever wanted to not be wrong

She COULD leave me, and the world would continue to turn without her

She'd warned me of this truth but such a claim had to be untrue

It HAD to be impossible

They say that the truth hurts

But never could I have known it could be like taking shotgun fire

To the heart

Terrible moments happen in life

But the most terrible leave paths of destruction

That no perfect storm could ever aspire to

All we can do in the end

Is pick up the pieces

7

Soak it in little one

You were loved from moment one

Moment one we knew you were present

Moment two we wanted the world for you

Moment three we were afraid for you

Afraid we wouldn't be enough for you

But what we want most is for you to soak it all in

Soak it in little one

These words spoken through womb reach you

Let them be your first lessons

Let them teach you that parents may worry

Parents may not always know what to do

Parents can be weak for they are human

But YOUR parents will be strong for YOU

Soak it in little one

Love, nurturing, care, and memories

Remember  your time before we met you

Use the backflips you riddled me with

Remember them and keep your childhood as long as you can

Remember how our voices made you unleash them

Remember being nothing but yourself; don't ever let that go.

6

I was born in the year she was 27

Still young, feeling old

Married and loved

Life ahead of her

Watched me grow

I spoke, learned to run, played outside

I passed tests, did my homework, worked hard

"Graduated" from elementary school

"Graduated" from middle school

High school and college, to adult

She watched me, pushed me on

Words of encouragement and love

Stronger than the titanium in my body piercings she disliked

She loved me even when I wouldn't love myself

And in the year she was 54, she left

She was born in the year I was 27

Still young, feeling old

Married and loved

Life ahead of me

I'll watch her grow

Help her be more than I could ever imagine

Teach her words, watch her run and play

Help her with tests, homework, show her the value of hard work

Graduate with her through life

See that she becomes a strong adult

With my words of encouragement and love

Stronger than her teenage rebellion I will dislike

I'll love her no matter what, always and forever

And when it's my time to go, I hope to retire in her heart

Just like mine did for me

5

Mother Nature cries

Throws tantrum, pitches fit, screams

My car gets "clean" free

4

I have an old picture of you I keep in my phone

You seemed so happy once

Maybe it was taken before marriage

Before responsibility of husband or wife set in

Before the stress of wanting immortality through progeny

Before...you really knew each other

Before you became the people I have the best and worst memories of

Before it was over

Most people say their families are dysfunctional

But I don't even know what happened between you two

The things I witnessed without knowing I was witness

Without realizing what was really happening

You two were good at keeping my naiveté

Making me feel sheltered

Holding up the walls you were steadily jackhammering

Keeping an umbrella over me when your thunderstorms wreaked havoc

But there were things that I noticed

Things I grew up thinking were the way things just were

Like that parents only kiss at airports

Mommies sleep on living room couches

Daddies work, come home, drink, and ignore

Kids always go away for the summer

Families only go anywhere together because the fair is in town

I'm sure I learned good things too, but this isn't that story

This story is about lessons you unwillingly taught me

Like that it's okay to hurt

It's okay to claim love with one breath and scream hate from another

It's okay for police officer home visits

It's okay for moments of unresponsive, irresponsible parenting

And I'm not saying you had to perfect, I know you're human

What I'm saying is I SEE YOU

I am directly experiencing everything you are, even when you hide it

This story is about me being wife

How I have NO IDEA what I'm supposed to do with that title

How I've learned what it takes to get a man to love me

But have no idea how to keep him interested forever

How my sheltered meekness made me pushover

And how my rebellious nature made me bitch

And how I need both of those sides to balance for this to work

And how I have no one to show me how

This story is about me being mother

The terrifying prospect of nurturing another being

Caring for it more than myself

And teaching

But what lessons will I teach my children?

Will they learn to equate the opposite of my doings as right?

How do I show them how to be

When I barely know myself?

Either way, parents, I thank you

Even though I have no idea who the people in the picture are

I got to know you for your real selves

If nothing else, you raised me to do that much

Even if I don't know who I am, you'll see me

Know me before I do

I only hope when our children look at our old pictures

They'll say, yep, those are my parents...just the way they've always been

3

Dear SeraPhoenix,

I would apologize

But somehow I can tell you don't like liars

Although lying as dormant for as long as I could

Hiding as well as I did

The hiding and omission could be considered lie anyway

But what I can truthfully say about everything

Is that the pain I caused you...well, it wasn't personal

You see, I did my job

Hate me, I don't care

I'm used to haters

But my job is to spread

Anonymously, mostly indiscriminately, uncontrollably

Your conquistadors of past learned from me

I use what I am to take what I want

You silly vessels think you are figuring me out

But I am the world's best ninja

Remaining shadowed to reappear when you think the war is over

No matter how hard you try, you research, you test

You may rid yourselves of me...for a while

But until you correct the errors of your own ways

I'll find myself back where you least suspect me

Yes, the errors of your own ways

Does it surprise you that I am mostly your own fault?

Did you think those poisons you put in your bodies would not harm you?

Did you think the rise in obesity and my growth rates were unparalleled?

You recklessly share your fluids with others

Take in radiation like your pockets are full of uranium

But blame me, that's fine, I'll take it

Ahh, that's right, I do spread through progeny from time to time

You call it "inherited genetic mutation"; I say its my evolution

Just like you, I want to be here too

So I grow and I spread

Again, its nothing personal

But my payoff is worth more to me than your suffering

And I have a job to do

2

Dear Cancer,

You bitch

How dare you come into my life

No matter how stealthy your visit may have been

Your repugnant presence left its mark

The poison of your wrath seeping into too many lives

Yeah, I know you can't be spread like that

But you...YOU don't have to be communicable to infect others

You started small I suppose

Enabled other health issues to trump you

Hiding behind the chronic pain

Hooking your claws deeper when the smoking couldn't cease

Slowly but surely spreading in the background

Unnoticed, untested, uncaring

The only thing in my life that I wish had failed me

Why did you have to visit
Steal away precious moments
Piece by piece
Change the very nature of the one you caused harm
Grow and spread
Until the person I knew better than myself
Was the most unrecognizable face right in front of me

You must have signed a deal with Satan

Jack the Ripper had nothing on you

Somehow you hurt whoever and whenever

Recurring when you please to leave mangled bodies vacant

Loved ones left to mourn

Except we...we have mourn while you work

Watching your destruction slowly take them away

Stay away from me

I know taking care of myself helps ward you off

But I'm throwing up anything I can against you

Garlic, crucifix, silver bullet....I know these wont work

You will take me if that's what you desire

But I'm pleading with you

You've already hurt me enough

1

Just like that, she was gone

Just as fast as I was made and brought onto this earth

As fast as she watched me grow up

As fast as she saw me through high school, then college and becoming "adult"

In that next flutter of a hummingbird's heart

She was gone

Not six months before, we had plans

Plans to meet "new" family

Figure out our genealogy

See which side of Africa we were made from

Travel the South; seek our roots

My most precious roots were ripped away.

Not three months before, we had growth

Me, out on my own for real

Her, settling into her empty nest

Figuring out how to continue being friends

While knowing we had constant, ever-changing familial roles

Our growth...stunted

Then, just like that, it hit

The scourge of our October

The battle not likely to be won

But a fight not soon given up

...someone lied to me

David was supposed to beat Goliath

But somehow my David

Built to withstand all my bullshit

Engorged with all of my love

Filled with more spirit and fight than a Civil War battlefield

Somehow MY David

Wasn't strong enough for this sneaky Goliath

And just like that, she was gone

St. Patty's Day

In the spirit of (and because my CEO said we get off early if we prove we're part Irish by writing a limerick):

This St. Patty's Day was to be wild

But bittersweet-ly I am with child

In health for new son or daughter

I'll go and have some green water

So no reports to DFACS will be filed