4

I have an old picture of you I keep in my phone

You seemed so happy once

Maybe it was taken before marriage

Before responsibility of husband or wife set in

Before the stress of wanting immortality through progeny

Before...you really knew each other

Before you became the people I have the best and worst memories of

Before it was over

Most people say their families are dysfunctional

But I don't even know what happened between you two

The things I witnessed without knowing I was witness

Without realizing what was really happening

You two were good at keeping my naiveté

Making me feel sheltered

Holding up the walls you were steadily jackhammering

Keeping an umbrella over me when your thunderstorms wreaked havoc

But there were things that I noticed

Things I grew up thinking were the way things just were

Like that parents only kiss at airports

Mommies sleep on living room couches

Daddies work, come home, drink, and ignore

Kids always go away for the summer

Families only go anywhere together because the fair is in town

I'm sure I learned good things too, but this isn't that story

This story is about lessons you unwillingly taught me

Like that it's okay to hurt

It's okay to claim love with one breath and scream hate from another

It's okay for police officer home visits

It's okay for moments of unresponsive, irresponsible parenting

And I'm not saying you had to perfect, I know you're human

What I'm saying is I SEE YOU

I am directly experiencing everything you are, even when you hide it

This story is about me being wife

How I have NO IDEA what I'm supposed to do with that title

How I've learned what it takes to get a man to love me

But have no idea how to keep him interested forever

How my sheltered meekness made me pushover

And how my rebellious nature made me bitch

And how I need both of those sides to balance for this to work

And how I have no one to show me how

This story is about me being mother

The terrifying prospect of nurturing another being

Caring for it more than myself

And teaching

But what lessons will I teach my children?

Will they learn to equate the opposite of my doings as right?

How do I show them how to be

When I barely know myself?

Either way, parents, I thank you

Even though I have no idea who the people in the picture are

I got to know you for your real selves

If nothing else, you raised me to do that much

Even if I don't know who I am, you'll see me

Know me before I do

I only hope when our children look at our old pictures

They'll say, yep, those are my parents...just the way they've always been