Dreaming

I go to bed
And my memory of the tone
Of that silk, milk chocolate voice
Plays music in my head.
Yeah...its like that.
So while visions of sugar plum fairies
Dance in their heads,
Visions of implementing all that he said,
And visions of implementing all I never did,
Create a soundtrack for my REM
Flowing off the beat of Moments In Love.
You all know the song
That weird one;
No words, over silk spun melody
Running parallel to my dreams.
I never believed in love at first sight
But with world domination tactics
Weaved between each action
Like my world has a memorizable training guide
Makes no wonder that sight, senses, and tongue
Have been rendered intangible.
Love at first dream is more like it.
And so I dream.
Asleep and awake,
Awaken and write.

16 January 2010

Trust me
When I decide to break up with you
Its not a snap decision
But a thought process
That took months to coerce into fruition
And its not that I
Have had my eye
On another guy
On the sly
But hell
There are *humph* toooo many fish in the sea
So you'll think I did you dirty
While I thought you were unworthy
I could have told you we weren't sturdy
But I, I was hurt by then
And I can't pinpoint when
Or what he said, she said or what was that had happened
But I was through
Long before you
Or he, or me, or we
Even realized it
And I understand
You can't be my friend
Cuz I broke something that'll never mend
But don't come in
As an enemy when
That other sly sea fish steps in
And gives me what you never could
Or would
Or should
But that don't even matter right now
Because could, would, should
Is been damn gone
And now I'm free
To cater to a man worthy

12 January 2010

Because

Old stuff:

When we chill
I enjoy us
Wen we laugh
I can do us
If we cried
I'd try to comfort us
Happy or sad
I need us

We may not be
Meant to be
But I don't mind
The chance to see
If you're the one
Who'll hold the key
To set my soul
And all of me free

When I look at you
I see it
When we share a touch
I feel it
When I'm with you
I think it
But when we're apart
I know it

Where this leads
I don't know
I just hope
You feel my flow
And I pray
That you don't go
So all of me
I'll chance to show

When we talk
I feel you
When we're alone
I want you
When you're away
I need you
But always
I love you

Torn

Old stuff:

Conflicted
One word explains it all
My heart
Apart
Single but feeling it all
Aside
Feelings got pushed
But came back
Stronger than ever
Now I don't know how to deal
Draining
Loving and liking
Liking and needing
Needing and wanting
Singleness and togetherness
Oxymoron of my life
Can't push it back
Can't get rid of it
Don't want to
Torn

Invisible

Old stuff:

I AM here
You may not see me
Feel me, know me
But I am
Don't side-push me
Forget me, ignore me
You'd think not
But more it hurts
Deeper
Acting that I'm not
When I am
Maybe I wont
Then what?
Miss me?

No Matter

Old stuff:

I try to do great
You're happy, I'm almost there
I don't complain
I try not to argue
But we discuss it still always
Never changing
Maybe you're actually not
What I think you are
I try so hard to get knocked down
Everytime I just try harder
Hoping for a change
Seeing, feelin, being NUMB
As I watch a sky roll past us
Getting on with its life
But here we still are
Yelling for no reason
Screaming, cryiing, fighting
So I change some more
...for you...
...for what?

NUMB

Old stuff:

That feeling again
Not again, but all over anew
Nothing
Not sad, happy, angry
Nothing
Its been here before
Instituted by all those who claim their love
You hurt the ones you love
But damn, nothing?
All over, everywhere
Feeling it but, of course, not
Deterioration
To the nothing I already feel.

My Heartbeat

Old stuff:

I feel it
Somehow giving me life,
But throbbing within you
How can another
Beat for me?
Not quite sure how this came to be.

Your systolic drives me wild;
Your caring, honest love
That makes me do right
Pushes me to do better
Live healthy and happy
Not anything I could do on my own
But somehow life-forces from you
All the way to the inside of me.

The diastolic, so sweet
Wraps me up in warmth
Makes me glow and sleep soundly
How intimate can it be
To just "be"
With you?
But somehow your relaxed motion
Takes me to a better place.

The pressure
Not peer or overwhelming
But all it takes
To not bruise a tomato
Never to much,
Enough to know you're there
Holding me, safely keeping me
Shielding me from the world.

To keep me low
You get me high
You are my salt,
My bad habits, my laziness,
My overweight, my drunkedness...
You are these things for me
(Or keep these things from me)
So I no longer need them
To feel wanted, needed, whole
Not now,
Now that I've found
My heartbeat.

Falling pt. 2

Old stuff:

Faster and faster
Spiraling down
Bottom of the rock
Like they say
If its not one thing...
But why THIS thing?
I just luv to luv him
And apparently too many others
But I don't want them,
Just them to want me
Ignorance no longer bliss
Sheer idiocy
How can I save myself from this edge
That I threw myself over when we started?
I wanna fly
And save my rock with me
As long as he too wants to be saved,
But we'll see.

Falling pt. 1

Old stuff:

My rock is falling
Not rolling,
Sliding or slipping away
Falling
Faster than Superman
My rock, my anchor
My comforter, my guarantee
Falling completley away
Sure, I still get the basics
But what about the rest?
I need more, he needs more
But what happened to it?
Where do we stand?
Will he continue to fall,
Or will I overtake him and reach
Rock bottom first?

Be

Old stuff:

I have the need to be
me, someone, some-bod-y
almost someone's all
Yet someone else is what
I sometimes want

I have the need to do
my thing, my way
In Jesus of course
Can't do it without
Nor do I want to

But who is me?
I, myself, methinks
God's child
One of his many blessings
In this sea of earth souls

So show me me
Who I'm supposed to be
Lord give me my path
And let my soul fly
free-ly
To do your will
Talk your talk, walk your path
get my fill
And serve my purpose In your kingdom, forever
Being.

18 July 05

...Inside

Old stuff:

Lonely on the...
Hurting on the...
Painful on the...
Man, you have no idea
How you hurt those around you
Especially me
So I keep it on the...

Sick on the...
Cold on the...
Shivering on the...
Wondering how long it's going to take
This time
Before you do it again
But I hold it on the...

Screaming on the...
Cursing on the...
Raging on the...
The things I wish
I could say and do
But wont to you
Cuz I love you on the...

Dying on the...
As ur smiling on the...
I'm like a ghost on the...
Barely breathing
Almost not wanting to
Maybe you'll be left
Crying on the...

...to be true?

Old stuff:

Am I just trippin'?
What's going on with me?
Do I potentially have what I think I have
Or am I shown what he wants me to see?
Is he pullin' a fast one,
Changin,
Turnin,
Cameleon-like switches;
Or is he actually tryna be
The One?
Hmm...

What's up with that?
Who does he think he is?
Making me feel better on bad days
Holdin' me when I need it,
Feedin' me,
Helpin' me,
Comfortin' me;
Bein' dangerous and unfair.
Showin' me all the love I ever wished for.
Humph.
Or am I really trippin',
And missin' out on somethin' great?

Too good...

Old stuff:

Loving,
Caring,
Sharing,
Beautiful,
Wonderment fulfilled.
Who are you
And how did you get here?
How did it come to this?
How can I make it stop?
Wait, why would I do that,
When I haven't felt this way in so long?

Wanted,
Needed,
Enjoyed,
Beautiful,
Naturally woman.
Free to be me
Talk how I want
Walk how I want
Sing as loud as I can
Skip in the sun
How can you encourage my me-ness,
And still like me for it?
Are you just too good...

Some Thoughts

Old stuff:

You think u know me
Do u even have a clue?
When's the last time we really talked
Chilled
Hung out?
Who do you think u are?
Saying what u have to say
When u have no idea
What I go through
Day to day
Perpetual drown
Damnit, I'm goin down
I always said I'd be insane
By the time I got out this piece.
Never thought it'd be because of you.
I mean, I love you,
But we hurt the ones we love most
Fighting daily to be ourselves
And still turning out exactly like you
So that's who I am
You
And you want me to be different
All for my own good
Or so u say
Just let me be me
Whoever that may be

Crush City

Old stuff:

Where am I now?
I've been here before
But this place is so unfamiliar
Help me out
With your strong arms
Of fine masculinity
And save me from myself.

Lost, yet I know
Exactly where I am
And where I stand
Basically nowhere and nobody
But maybe there's a chance
That you'll see me
For a lot more
Than what Webbie wants
And take me
For the respectable lady I am.

Wait, I do know
Where I am
I haven't been here in forever
And I wanna leave quickly
Let em know wassap
But it's not as easy as it seems
To break through the threshold
And actually make it somewhere
Having to call up the Rejection Hotline
Just hurts more and more with each try
Just give me a chance
You'll see what you been missing
Come get wit me

Rejection Hotline

Old stuff:

It's easy for you
So smooth, so fine
To not notice me here
Plain me
Who wants you
More than you know.

It's easy for you
So special, so nice
To not care that I exist
You don't know me
Why would you?
But I wanna know you.

It's easy for you
So not like me
To be yourself;
Not feel dumb when you speak
You don't care, it's just me
Why should you?

It's easy for you
To like my best friend
Instead of me
I get it
She's somebody; I'm mud
And you already know her

It's easy for you
To see her and see more
Have you ever talked to me?
Are you even interested?
Yeah, sure
Just leave me be

Perpetual Depression

Old stuff:

 Sunny beautiful day
Windy
Rainy
Stormy
Thunderstorms of emotion from hell-pit deep
This is the cycle I must endure
Am I ever supposed to truly be happy?
Will I ever be someone's queen?
No is the answer
My heart must carry
Chained like a Gibralter rock
In the sea
Lord help me
I must get free
What is it
That makes me me?
Why can I only be happy
For a moments notice of lonliness?
Why can my joy only extend
To the far depths of
A 1000 lb person thrown?
For .5 a second I see greatness
Only to be shattered by
Heart-wrenching agony
Pain beyond belief
Grief
So maybe I won't be
Anywhere close to happy
Addict me to something
Sex, drugs, lies, fame, fortune
Keep my life in a drowning down
No Bringing me to life
Or making me whole again
Fine
That's the way it is
Leave me in the dark to die.

Fire ~ 14 July 05 ~ Commmisioned in HS, now written

Old stuff:

Desire
For one to hold and love
To share sandy beaches
And cold winter nights
To light the furnace beneath my skin
And set unheard of pleasure free
To be, in a love like no other
Passion, affection, selection
Of special places to touch and tease
Squeeze
Caress and hold
To go places never explored
Heights never reached
Savoring every moment of this plateau
Wishing it would return, but scared
This feeling is almost too much
Mind shattering
Into thousands of pieces that
Represent every touch and kiss
"Goodyear blimp explosions"
Of extasy unfathomable
All waiting for that one
Who pledges that vow
Will, can, should, would, could...
Light my fire.

Alone ~ 26 Feb 01

Old stuff:

I have almost everything
Yet why am I depressed
No one understands me,
My mind has regressed.
All the times that I cry out,
No one seems to care
So why is it that when I'm quiet,
You feel that you must stare?
The world is large and I'm
Only a teardrop in a sea
Maybe that explains why
No one ever notices me.
So why in the hell
Should I care anymore
This life doesn't seem
Worth living for.
People don't seem to
Comfort me
Why can't they
Just let me be
So maybe alone
Is where I should stay
Until I find
My true love someday.

Black Man

Old stuff:

Almost white to caramel
chocolate
Bright and beautiful
Takes the attention of any room
Caramel smooth
Makes my soul ooze
Light Skinned Brotha

Caramel, red to brown
chocolate
Hershey's bar beautiful
Put on a suit fine
Sexy smile
Makes a whole room go wild
Brown Skinned Brotha

Brown to special dark
chocolate
Eyes sparkle as diamonds
Smile with a million, trillion, gazillion pearls
Commands he's known to all of all rooms
Makes our heads zoom
Dark Skinned Brotha

All shades
Beauty to behold
Precious treasures untold
Often image sold
Duplicated
Fabricated
Imitated
Emulated
Simulated
Under-stimulated
Not placed in high deserved esteem
You deserve your great regal queens
As we deserve our powerful
Nubian kings
Rise up young brotha
Accept yourself
Strive to be nothing less
Than what you are
BLACK MAN
~25 July 05

Lost

Old stuff:

The way
unknown
The answer
unheard
The path
unseen
Where do I go?
What do I do?
Lost.

This
unplanned
Shirt
undone
Pants
unzipped
Where is this leading?
What am I doing?
Lost.

His hands
unchecked
My hips
undulating
Our eyes
unescapable
Where are we?
What are we doing?
Lost.

My feelings
unimaginable
His touch
unbeleiveable
My mind
unstoppable
Where is this taking us?
What do I do to stop?
Lost.

I opened myself to this
now I'm lost.
It should stop but I want it
so I'm so lost.
Lord, I need you with me
so I won't be lost.
Jesus help me
I'm lost.
~22 July 05

Poetry...maybe...hmm...

Old stuff:

So, I think this is going to turn into a poetry journal, which means it may end up password protected cuz I think most of my poetry sux. We'll see. But, without further ado...


Be

I have the need to be
me, someone, somebody
almost someone's all
Yet someone else is what
I sometimes want.

I have the need to do
my thing, my way
In Jesus of course
Can't do it without
Nor do I ever want to.

But who is me?
I, myself, methinks
God's child
One of his many blessings
In this sea of earth souls.

So show me me
Who I am supposed to be
Lord give me my path
And let my soul fly
free-ly
To do your will
Talk your talk, walk your walk
Get my fill
And serve my purpose
In your kingdom, forever
Being.
~ 18 July 05

New...again

Old stuff:

<~~~~~Some content removed~~~~~~~~~~>

Stuck

So I'm stuck
In a precipice of unknowing
Stay or go, be with him
Or no
Maybe I should stay
By myself, no him by my side
This is eating me up inside
It's like the cool mist of a light spring shower
On a day from hell
When I see his smile
But I'm still stuck.

Yeah, I'm stuck
Thinking about him
And trying not to
All in the same minute
He's young, but his soul's so mature
While I'm older, but act the age I look
So it works
He fills in the gaps of past 'ships unfulfilled
Is he too good to be real?
I need to know what he's all about
So I'm stuck

So what, I'm stuck
But he wasn't supposed to be here
Holding, touching, caressing
Oh, and what a caress
My whole soul lights with joy
When his soft skin touches mine
I think I'm gonna lose my mind
To be single or not
At first, single I chose
But now...
Yeah, I'm stuck

*sigh* I'm stuck
So what do I do?
I like him, and he's obvious
Never leaving until I've gone
Hanging around that last extra minute
Just to hear my song
But I like him, so
I'll chill, like him, let him know my way
And one day in the future
I'll make him mine
So what, I'm stuck.
~14 July 2005